Big step...

Am I ready? Physically? Emotionally? Financially? Mentally???

I know it is the next step to take but it does not stop me from wondering, is it too soon? I am sure of my feelings but is it selfish of me to just take my feelings and wants into consideration. What about the others? Can they handle without me? More importantly, can I handle without them? Is it too soon? Who will do the things that I've done when I'm gone? Somehow, it feels like I'm torn in two.

Fell sick as the whole office is like a breeding ground for germs. Passing it to one another, coughing in an enclosed space, you are bound to fall sick. Gagged at a coughing fit this morning, I felt so sick, I wanted to curl up and beg my dad to send me home. It felt like I was literally coughing my lungs out.

Just another day before I turn 22. The difference between being 21 and 22 may not be  much but I have noticed a few changes. I no longer care about the petty stuff that used to get me so worked up I would scream my head. But in the first place, I wasn't much of a screamer. I was the stare-at-you-keep-my-mouth-shut-cold-war kind of girl. I never really bothered with words. I preferred the cold war.

Since this is a new year, 2013, though I did not really come up with a list of resolutions but there are a few that I've made to myself. First, I would learn to help people without expecting anything in return. Not that I expect people to give me stuff. I mean, I treat you nicely, and I expect to be treated the same but after many disappointing moments, I realized life still goes on whether I feel mistreated or not.

Secondly, I need to stand up for myself more. I tend to let people bully me. Not in a good way.

I also need to be disciplined. I need to learn to let go, to grow up. I need to follow through the decisions and choices that I have made without regret.

I need to learn to say no, I need to be more assertive, more importantly, I need to love myself more. No, don't get me wrong, it's not that I hurt myself or hate myself, I just need to let my body rest. I tend to overwork myself with chores, I tend to pretend to be superwoman. I rather see myself tired, worn out and injured than to see the same thing befall my loved ones. It's not wrong but there's a limit too how much I can put my body to.

Chris will be leaving soon. Heart breaks. Not to be bias or anything but among the others, she's the one I can really pour out my troubles too, the one where after a hard day of work, she can still put a smile to my face and make me laugh. She supports me whenever I need a friend, she knows when to keep quiet and just listen to me complain. We do not say I love you very often among us sisters but I really do love her. Truly I will miss her. I wish her all the best in her studies, may she find favor in God and among men, and may she be blessed as she is a blessing to others. All these while, I have protected you, literally trying to keep you away from the evils of the world and I pray that as you are away from me, God will be your protector, your guide and friend. You do not know how much I would love to be by your side. Chrissie, take care. I love you.