It never really occured to me that I would turn 20. I always thought that from my teenage years I would then jump to the stage where I am working, living a stable life.Somehow, this has never occured to me.
I can't say I led a very fruitful and happy 2010,instead it was a year full of trials, tribulations,sorrow and tears. I've made so many terrible mistakes that I wish I could take them back. The disappointment from my loved ones, the terrible attitude that I had on me is enough to make the 'me' 5 years ago cringe in embarrassment and pain. It could be my brain cells, maturing only now at the age of 20 but I came to realisation that, there are so many mistakes waiting for me to make right and there I was, the whole of 2010, ignoring the fact that my life wasn't set right. I did not care, I could not be bothered.
Another realisation came to mind, you could have said that I have been ignoring God. I've literally abandoned Him. Funny thing is, I've realised that I've been living in fear,all alone, fear of the uncertainties, fear of the unknown but most of all, the fear of the wrath of God. Inside I knew I had to change, but as stubborn headed as a mule, I refused to let go of my pride and my own needs and stored this feeling away, locked up somewhere in hope that I would soon forget about it. Word from the wise, what is left unsettled will come back to haunt you. In fact, it haunted me everyday. Unconciously it left a nagging feeling which I pushed away, my conscience left, my heart turned cold, my feelings bitter and my life a sorrow.
If God is for us,who can be against us. An assuring phrase isn't it. Well, try turning it the other way around. If everything is for us but God is against us,isn't that scary. What's the use of all the treasures of the Earth if the creater of Earth Himself is against us. This scared and jolted me back to reality. I have been living a selfish and uncaring life for the past 2-3 years. Donning an outer shell, a different personality to deceive.
Unpretentious. That's what I want for myself. Not having to laugh and smile when deep inside I know I'm crying.
Joy. The deep and real kind of happiness that comes from God.
Love. Love for the unlovable. Love,pure and genuine, the greatest gift anyone could ever give.
Caring.Believe it or not, I admire the 8 year old little girl that I was. The willingness to go an extra mile for anybody,everybody.Ungrudgingly, with a smile on her face and a dance in her steps.
Obedience. Someone, please send me to an obedience school. Oh wait, those are for dogs only.
Courage. There are so many times that I know something is wrong, and yet, I clamped my mouth shut in fear of being criticised, in fear of rejection and in fear of being wrong or offending people. Call me the cowardly lion.
Hopefully and PRAYERFULLY, I would learn to be a more responsible, loving and godly woman,forever growing in the sight of God.
My parents chided me for still being a child eventhough I am 20. Reason: I still jump down the stairs,I rush down, skipping 2-3 steps every time,creating noise where ever I go.My mum said,my behaviour is equivalent to a 2 year old child while my dad still thinks I'm 12.
Someone said to me, no matter how old I become, in the eyes of my father, I would still be his 12 year old little girl.
I have to thank my parents for the upbringing and the happy childhood that I had.
A note to Mum and Dad,
I know you will read this sooner or later, I am really thankful for all the scoldings and lecturing(lectures mostly from mum though,when dad gets angry...well, you don't really want to know), all the love and protection you provided, basically for everything, the very fact that I am still here is the proof of God's love and yours. I may not say this very often but I love you. Thank you. I really appreciate all those many years of upbringing. I want to apologise for all those heart ache and tough years you had to go through, the rebellious little demon I was, the ''wild'' teenager some time, the sour-pus the other.
No matter what I do, nothing can ammount to what you have done for us four kids. The sacrifices you guys went through, the pain the both of you encountered due to my stubborness and laziness and all the other nesses...I'm sorry.
=)
PS:Looks like your stuck with me for another few more years.=p
